One Fucken Cactus to Rule Them All

Let's talk about the cactus. Not the dusty plastic one from your dentist's waiting room. I'm talking about a cactus that looks you in the eye and says, "I have spines. I have attitude. I need almost no water." The kind of cactus that doesn't apologize, "you got poke, go fuck you." You forget to water it for a month, "fuck you, im fine." It thrives. You overwater it once. It judges you silently, and drops a few ouchies for you feet in equal pursuit to be one of a kind. Some people say you can talk to your plants, most plants would agree, but.... This cactus is not interested. If your succulent isn't making you feel slightly inadequate, we've failed as a society. So here's to the cactus—the only houseplant that doubles as a personality test.